U.S. — Americans braced for what appeared to be a bright, joyous summer and the nation let out a collective cheer as college campus protesters announced plans to stay inside tents indefinitely.
The announcement was made as universities prepared for summer break, with the mobs of anti-Israel protesters gathered on various campuses across the country vowing to remain in place until the next semester begins in the fall, eliciting celebrations from the rest of the nation.
"This is the best news I've heard in a while!" shouted Nate Thomas, who immediately began planning a summer vacation with his family. "We figured this summer would be a total wash due to a bunch of filthy commies running around doing, you know, filthy commie stuff. Now that we know they're going to stay confined to campus all summer, we're free to enjoy ourselves!"
The same sentiment was shared by others from coast to coast. "I was sure this summer was going to be awful," said Zach Lewis. "Colleges emptying out all these crazy leftists into our cities sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully, they're promising to stay in their little encampments all summer — what a relief. Thanks, unwashed, tent-dwelling weirdos!"
With protesters planning to remain on campus through the summer break, American families once again looked forward to enjoying the warmer months with fun recreational activities. "I can start allocating resources back to vacation planning instead of buying ammo and body armor!" Lewis explained.
At publishing time, families who had planned vacation trips to visit the Columbia University campus were reportedly disappointed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
