U.S. — The nation is entering a very special Halloween season, as this autumn marks the 29th year Americans are pretending Hocus Pocus is a good movie.
Millions around the nation are celebrating by dusting off their old copies of the film they've watched every year for nearly three decades and gathering the family around the television to make comments like, "Haha, that is so funny," and "Isn't Bette Midler great in this?" and "I enjoy this piece of cinema", even though there's nothing funny in the film, Bette Midler is irritating at best, and not a single person has ever enjoyed this movie, not even the director's own mother.
"It's a fascinating cultural celebration," said American historian Bob Windekks. "It seems when the movie first came out in 1993, nobody liked it, but people wanted to like it, as there weren't that many good Halloween movies out at the time, so they pretended it was good, and it just kind of stuck."
As part of the annual celebration, everyone in the whole country continues to buy merch featuring terribly written, unmemorable lines from the film and silhouettes of the witch characters played by Kathy Najimy, Bette Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. The national pastime includes introducing new people to Hocus Pocus and saying, "You haven't seen Hocus Pocus?! You have to see Hocus Pocus!" even though the person knows deep down that it is not a good movie. Boyfriends, husbands, and children across the country have the film inflicted on them and are forced to say, "Yes, this is a quality movie," betraying the self-evident truth that it is not, in fact, a quality movie.
But one man refuses to play along. "I don't get it. It's annoying, formulaic, and bland," said local husband Joel Metcliff. His home was quickly surrounded by a mob of revelers who pretend to enjoy Hocus Pocus every year. "What?! You know I'm right! I'll die on this hill!" said the pariah as he was run out of town with pitchforks. "Your boos mean nothing!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
