WASHINGTON, DC — As the new year began and everyone's focus turned to 2023, fear gripped the country, leaving store shelves stripped bare and families shutting themselves indoors behind boarded windows as the nation braced itself for the return of Joe Biden.
The President is set to return to work in the nation's capital after an extended holiday vacation in the Caribbean, leading Washington insiders to speculate about the extent of the potential damage that could be left in his wake.
"This really is a scenario with a wide range of outcomes," said historian and political analyst Professor Blake Rumsey. "With the current state of affairs in the country — the economy, tense foreign relations, and other factors — it really is a perfect storm."
Such uncertainty has rarely been witnessed throughout the nation, with the possible exceptions of the outbreak of the Civil War in 1860 and the Beanie Baby shortage of 1995. "This really could lead to a number of things," Rumsey said, "from widespread civil unrest, the proliferation of wars around the globe, or, in my opinion, the reinstitution of the monarchy here in the U.S."
The White House attempted to quell the growing storm caused by Biden's return to work. "When you think about it, what's the worst that could happen?" asked Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "If you've been amazed at the first two years of this administration, we've got more where that came from."
At publishing time, the White House was reported to be working to calm the fears stoked by Jean-Pierre's statement above, which itself had been intended to calm the public's initial fears regarding the President's return from vacation.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: