Politics U.S.
Nancy Pelosi To Hold Weekly Press Conference Announcing Next Reason Millions Will Die

WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has confirmed to her constituents and the nation at large that she will now be holding a weekly press conference announcing the latest reason she believes that “millions will die.”

Pelosi will broadcast the conference every Monday as a public service, warning the nation about whatever Republicans are doing this week that will surely slaughter millions and millions of innocent Americans.

“Whether it’s tax cuts, a Supreme Court nominee, a strict immigration policy, or being friendly to other world superpowers, I will keep you updated on the latest GOP scheme to kill countless millions of Americans,” she said in her first update, in which she also listed the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh as the latest ploy by conservatives to kill tons of people. “It is my hope that by being aware of the most recent Republican scheme to kill people that we can resist and foil their evil plots, the few of us that are left after the election of Trump and the passage of the tax cuts, anyway.”

At publishing time, Pelosi had announced that she would be increasing the frequency of the press conferences to three times a week in order to keep up with the millions upon millions of people the Republicans are continuing to kill every day.