MOSCOW - Russian radar operators monitoring the situation in Ukraine reported two mysterious large circles in the city of Kyiv earlier this morning. After some investigation, Russian intelligence concluded they were not military formations or aircraft, but simply Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky's massive balls.
The mysterious orbs appeared as Russian forces advanced on the capital.
"My goodness -- they're massive," said one Russian radar technician as he observed the gigantic orbs on his screen. "Honestly, I'm impressed. I'm not even really upset here - bravo, sir. Bravo."
"Hey, Vlad - come check out President Zelenksy's balls! I mean, not for anything weird. Just 'cause, let's be honest, they're just huge." Dozens of Russian soldiers gathered around the screen to admire the sight, all of whom continually muttered the clarification, "No homo" as they stared at the impressive display of masculinity.
At publishing time, Zelensky had shielded thousands of Ukrainian citizens from bomb and missile strikes by telling them to simply hide under the shadow of his gigantic testicles.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.