Mysterious Large Circles On Russian Radar Turn Out To Be President Zelensky's Massive Testicles
Politics · Feb 26, 2022 ·

MOSCOW - Russian radar operators monitoring the situation in Ukraine reported two mysterious large circles in the city of Kyiv earlier this morning. After some investigation, Russian intelligence concluded they were not military formations or aircraft, but simply Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky's massive balls.

The mysterious orbs appeared as Russian forces advanced on the capital.

"My goodness -- they're massive," said one Russian radar technician as he observed the gigantic orbs on his screen. "Honestly, I'm impressed. I'm not even really upset here - bravo, sir. Bravo."

"Hey, Vlad - come check out President Zelenksy's balls! I mean, not for anything weird. Just 'cause, let's be honest, they're just huge." Dozens of Russian soldiers gathered around the screen to admire the sight, all of whom continually muttered the clarification, "No homo" as they stared at the impressive display of masculinity.

At publishing time, Zelensky had shielded thousands of Ukrainian citizens from bomb and missile strikes by telling them to simply hide under the shadow of his gigantic testicles.

Check out Hasbro's latest update to the classic board game "Guess Who?" - now with more genders, inclusion, and fun!* *Fun not guaranteed

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.