9 Most Important Things To Look For When Shopping For A New Church
Faith Tips · Feb 25, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

We get it. Sometimes church can be offputting, especially when people ask you to do things or suggest you should stop sinning. What a bunch of jerks!

When the time comes for you to separate from your brethren over a petty dispute we recommend keeping your eye open for these nine important things when shopping around for your new worship home.

1) No judgment at all even if you're a big fat jerk: Jesus said not to judge and then He probably didn't say anything else after that to qualify the statement. NO JUDGING!

2) Comfortable pews: Ever tried sleeping in a wooden pew? Your back will hurt for days! Might want to make sure they recline and have built-in massagers too.

3) A sermon series based around the latest Marvel movie: How can you understand the Bible without comparisons between Captain America and Jesus?

4) Top-of-the-line lighting and sound design: Aw yeah! The Holy Spirit can't comfort you if you're not rocking to some sweet jams. Bonus points for a high-quality fog machine.

5) A second, secret entrance without greeters: It's best if we're allowed to worship God in our own way without being friendly.

6) Diversity quotas: You want a pastor who's just absolutely obsessed with race, like Jesus was.

7) At least 30 casserole varieties: What's the point in getting to know people if there isn't way too much free food?

8) Organic, certified, fair-trade coffee options: The big, old, 60-cup chrome percolator of coffee just doesn't cut it anymore.

9) An airtight promise to never challenge your sin or ask you to change your lifestyle in any way: Jesus may have instituted the last supper but a church with gluten-free bread has perfected it.

And there you have it! Keeping these details in mind should help you find a church that's accepting of you and doesn't have any requirements or concerns for you at all. Just like God intended!

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.