WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a major breakthrough for the Mueller investigation, the head of the FBI's special counsel on Russian interference ordered President Trump to sit on a large golden scale in order to see if he weighs the same as a duck.
According to Robert Mueller, should Trump weigh the same as a duck, it will prove that he is made of wood, which will in turn prove that he is a witch working for the Russian government.
"The logic is pretty clear," Mueller said as FBI agents set up the large, custom-made set of scales for Trump to sit on opposite an adult duck. "See, you burn witches, right? And that's because, as we all know, witches are made out of wood. So we need to tell whether Trump is made of wood. Of course, to do that, we have to see if he floats, so we have to weigh him against something else that floats in water."
Mueller stated they considered building a bridge out of him, but the proposal proved impractical. They also thought about weighing him against other objects like bread, apples, churches, and very small rocks, but finally settled on a duck.
"It was obvious after we realized that ducks float in water: just see if Trump weighs the same!"
A nervous Trump sat on the scale, and sure enough, he weighed exactly the same as the duck. As the FBI hauled him away and released the duck, however, the scales could be seen severely tipping to one side.