WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to prevent any future tragedies of any kind, Congress passed sweeping legislation Monday that bans mankind’s totally depraved nature from the country.
Federal agents immediately began going from house to house across the country, searching and seizing any natural inclination for evil in the hearts of mankind.
“This has gone on long enough,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a press conference. “We keep saying there’s nothing we can do to prevent this, but now we see there is: just ban human nature and all these problems go away.”
“It’s the obvious solution,” he added.
Congressional projections indicate the new measure will result in a huge boost in peace, love, and harmony in every demographic across the U.S., and should cut violent death statistics down to “approximately zero” almost immediately.
At publishing time, federal authorities were dealing with the logistical challenges involved in arresting 323 million citizens while simultaneously placing one another under arrest for violating the new legislation.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.