More Grocery Stores Installing Defibrillators At Checkout For When You See Your Total
Health · Nov 7, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

U.S. — Supermarket chains are installing defibrillators at checkout counters due to the growing number of heart attacks that occur when a customer sees their checkout total.

"We remain committed to the health and safety of our customers who are increasingly finding themselves in mortal danger due to sticker shock," said Michael Fairbanks, President and CEO of Leaven Markets. "But we can't lower our prices. Not in this economy!"

"Whoa, you want how much? — hrrrgh!" said one shopper trying to buy a dozen eggs. If not for the life-saving defibrillator attached to the checkout counter they never would have survived.

According to the CDC, Heart attack deaths at local grocery stores rose by 3.7% this year in keeping with the current rate of inflation. They insisted, however, that this had no connection to inflation or government policy whatsoever.

In addition to installing "checkstand defibs," supermarkets are complying with OSHA guidelines to hang signage warning customers to shop responsibly:

Persons with the following conditions should not shop for groceries:

  • Heart Conditions or Abnormal Blood Pressure
  • Back, Neck or Similar Physical Conditions
  • Expectant Mothers
  • Medical Sensitivity to High Retail Prices
  • Recent Surgery or Other Conditions that may be aggravated by grocery shopping

At publishing time, grocery delivery services such as Instacart began hiring fitness trainers who could reliably withstand the negative impact of grocery shopping.


It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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