WATERTOWN, SD — A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.
"She's so totally embarrassing," said 15-year-old Jayden Prescott. "Look at her sitting there, being a human being. Why does she have to be there doing that? Doesn't she know that this really messes up my whole vibe? People can see her! UGH!"
Jayden had reportedly been hanging out with friends on the deck when his mother, Angela, instantly threatened to destroy his life by not only baking some pizza rolls for him and his friends but actually having the gall to come out of the kitchen and bring the snacks out to the boys.
Unable to recover from this incident, Jayden went to sulk in his bedroom, but only after eating several of the pizza rolls. When asked for further comment, a message relayed through his friend Connor stated Jayden "couldn't even" and that the aftereffects of this event were likely to be felt for several weeks, if not forever.
"I still love to do nice things for my son and his friends," Angela said. "I'm not really sure why my existence is so embarrassing. The other day, he asked me, ‘Do you seriously have to do that?' and I'm pretty sure he was referring to me just breathing."
At publishing time, Jayden was said to be negotiating an agreement with his mother that would outline her obligation to continue to cook and clean while remaining otherwise completely invisible to him and his friends.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: