WASHINGTON, DC — Emboldened by his re-election as the Republican leader in the Senate, Mitch McConnell has narrowed his immediate focus on the real problems facing the nation, the most serious of which is the Taylor Swift concert ticket scandal. After failing to obtain tickets himself, the Kentucky Senator vowed to hold Ticketmaster accountable.
"This situation has rocked our country to its very core and must be investigated," warbled McConnell in a statement to reporters. "There is no greater crisis for the government to confront than this appalling shortage of tickets to see the greatest living entertainer in the world. I mean, have you heard her new music video for 'Bejeweled?' It's an absolute visual and musical masterpiece."
Anonymous sources said McConnell, a Swift superfan, had flown into a rage earlier in the week after being unable to get tickets. "Senator McConnell usually moves through his work in such a slow and methodical — almost tortoise-like — manner," said the source. "After becoming a fan of Taylor Swift's music, he's really started to come out of his shell."
While McConnell was spearheading the congressional effort to look into the crisis, many other members of the Senate were said to be eager to join committee hearings to question Ticketmaster executives. Senator Mitt Romney of Utah issued a statement of his own, expressing his disappointment in not being able to get tickets to see Swift in person, whom he described as "a bright shining example of American greatness with long legs."
At publishing time, Senate leaders had cleared their previously scheduled meetings to discuss inflation, the ongoing immigration crisis, and the worsening opioid epidemic to focus solely on finding ways to get good seats for Swift's upcoming tour.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.