KABUL—With only one day remaining until the Taliban's deadline for American troops to leave Afghanistan, the Biden Administration deployed 22,000 troops back to the area after it was discovered they had left behind millions of precious life-saving COVID masks in warehouses across the country.
"Look—here's the deal, we have to get those incredibly valuable masks out of harm's way," said Biden to a dead squirrel on his front porch. "Masks are our most precious commodity, and we can't let them fall into the Taliban's hands. We have no choice. We gotta go get them back!"
Marines will be retaking territories and airstrips throughout the country, securing them and opening up safe passage for the masks to leave the country unharmed.
"Read my lips," said Biden from behind a COVID mask, "we will leave no mask behind, no matter the cost."
The military will also be making contact with Americans stranded in the country to make sure they get their second dose of the Pfizer vaccine.