MEXICO - Drug cartels across Mexico and all around Central and South America have announced they are ceasing production of heroin, meth, and cocaine, saying they are now producing a far more lucrative drug with the street name of "hand sanitizer."
Drug cartels are quickly converting their assembly lines to pump out more and more of the hand sanitizer, saying Americans across the border "can't get enough" of the addictive substance.
"It's the hottest product on the streets right now," said Carlos "13-ball" Lopez, a dealer in Albuquerque. "Everyone's hooked on it -- we got grandmas, housewives, even school kids wanting a taste. Your first hit is free but after that you're ours, yo."
"Hey, kid, want a squirt of hand sanitizer?" he then said to a passing youngster. "This one's on me."
One cartel has begun producing what the DEA is calling the purest, most addictive hand sanitizer yet, "Blue Sky." The Blue Sky hand sanitizer kills 99.99999% of germs, while less pure versions of the drug only kill 99.9% of germs and bacteria.
"The spread of this dangerous new gateway drug is an epidemic," said a DEA agent as he held aloft a small plastic baggy containing a small drop of Blue Sky hand sanitizer. "Just last week, we stopped a truck destined for a chicken restaurant here in New Mexico, but the buckets of chicken actually contained thousands of kilos of hand sanitizer."