U.S.—A group of major news organizations joined the Associated Press today in announcing a new policy of simply reporting on the handful of remaining celebrities out there who still haven’t sexually assaulted anyone that we know of.
The policy was enacted in order to save time and avoid wasting thousands of man-hours uncovering scandal after scandal.
“We’ll just go ahead and provide a daily update on the five or six celebrities and politicians that we know of who are still scandal-free,” an AP representative said. “If we don’t mention a particular actor, director, or political leader in the morning briefing on ongoing sexual assault and harassment scandals, you can just assume some nasty revelation came out about them too.”
“It’ll be quicker and more efficient for everyone this way,” she added.
The first daily update put out Friday included close to a dozen actors and prominent U.S. leaders, all of whom were confirmed not to be involved in any scandal at the current moment.