CHICAGO IL - It's been a rough year, but Americans have completely forgotten their troubles with the glorious and completely unexpected return of the McRib. To mark the momentous occasion, McDonald's is introducing a very limited run of their finest 28-year-aged barbeque pork sandwich, called the McRib Vintage.
"We are proud to offer this very rare culinary joy for our most rabid McRib fans," said McDonald's Chief Food Scientist Robert Short. "We took only the finest mechanically-separated pork product that fell and was forgotten behind a freezer shelf in a Louisville Kentucky rest-stop McDonald's in 1992, lovingly defrosted it in our state-of-the-art microwave ovens, and added our own special sauce mixed with Purell to disinfect everything! It's a nostalgic taste of 1992!"
Already, lines of people eager to try McRib vintage are wrapping around McDonald's buildings around the country. National food critic Buggs Sumba hailed the sandwich as a "triumph of American cuisine."
"You will almost hear Boyz II Men playing on the radio, and taste the ashtrays on the tables as you bite into our delicious McRib Vintage," said Short. "It's a pleasing culinary experience for only the most sophisticated palates. Bon appétit!"
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.