WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Hunter Biden refusing to appear for closed-door testimony to the House of Representatives, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell cleverly dressed up like a prostitute to lure Hunter in to meet with Republicans.
"Hey, big boy," said Senator McConnell in his most sultry voice, as Hunter strolled by. "I've been so lonely, hoping a fifty-something addict would come by and split this bag of crack cocaine with me. What do you say, stud?"
Though some insiders were skeptical that the ploy would be successful, Republican leadership remained confident. "McConnell may not be much to look at under normal circumstances," admitted Representative Dan Crenshaw. "However, those of us who have seen him dress in drag for private congressional parties can attest to the fact that he can certainly catch your eye in the right dress. If he has Lindsey Graham to help him with hair and makeup - watch out!"
While Hunter Biden initially refused to comply with a congressional subpoena to testify, McConnell and other GOP lawmakers believed it was only a matter of time before he would be caught in their trap. "Just look at McConnell in that outfit," said Senator Tom Cotton. "Who can resist that?"
At publishing time, McConnell was overheard asking aides to thank former New York Congressman George Santos for letting McConnell borrow his dress.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
