BROWNSVILLE, TX — With unprecedented numbers of migrants lined up at the southern U.S. border, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas was seen heading there to fire a starter's pistol the moment Title 42 is to expire.

Mayorkas, responsible for securing the American Homeland from varying threats, has been under fire recently for delaying the construction of a giant conveyor belt to allow even more illegal immigrants to cross the border per day.

"What an exciting day for border security," said the Secretary as he practiced his speech and watched Border Patrol agents roll out a 10-mile wide red carpet for illegal border crossers. "The border has never been more secure. Also, welcome to America, bienvenida an America, 欢迎来到美国, and مرحبا بكم في أمريكا!"

At publishing time, Texas Governor Greg Abbott had been seen at the Texas/Mexico border, preparing to distribute 1 million free bus tickets to New York City.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.