PACIFIC PALISADES, CA - After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency.
"History is filled with 'almosts' - and my crypto commercial was almost a good idea." In the new commercial, Damon speaks while walking under a freeway underpass, then past a tent city, then stepping over newly-bankrupted derelicts.
"I had been seeking another space script since 'The Martian,' so my heart skipped a beat when I heard this ad would say 'fortune favors the brave' and show astronauts walking around! I was excited to embrace the moment, but I should have considered my responsibility as a trusted public figure like Tom Hanks, Bill Gates, or Will Smith."
Many first-time crypto investors took to Twitter, complaining that they had waited to sink their family savings accounts into cryptocurrency until a celebrity told them to be bold. "I was waiting to buy until the peak, to be sure of proven value - and when you gave that speech over swelling music, it convinced me to bet the college fund. Thanks a lot, Matt!"
Twitter user @0wnCrypt0N00bs54321 concurred, sharing his astute strategy: "My crypto portfolio cratered, so I'll sell off the rest now - sell the trough to cut your losses!"
At publishing time, Matt Damon has signed on for a commercial about NFTs, but multiple production assistants are still trying to explain it to him.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
