MORDOR - Jen Psaki has announced that she is stepping down as White House Press Secretary in order to take up a position as the Mouth of Sauron. In her new role, she will be recognized as one of Sauron's most devoted followers - serving as his trusted herald and messenger, spinning all of Sauron's lies into a narrative, deflecting legitimate questions, and of course, circling back later.
"The White House was just a stepping stone for where I wanted to go in my career. I think my work speaks for itself, which is why I was selected personally to serve the Dark Lord himself," announced Jen Psaki from the Dark Tower. "I will be one of the few servants of Mordor able to communicate directly with Sauron. Yippee!"
"Obfuscating the truth comes naturally for her," said Gothmang Kurbag, lieutenant of Mordor's 9th battalion. "It's not every age of Middle Earth we see someone this talented at spreading disinformation and silencing those who would speak the truth."
According to sources, Jen Psaki settled into her new role quickly. She was already masterfully pinning the woes of Middle Earth onto the Gondorian Nationalists when confronted at the Black Gate. "My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome. Is there any in this rout with authority to treat with me? Or indeed with wit to understand me?" she said, flashing a brief cruel smile. "Indeed, inflation, soaring oats prices, war, and sickness throughout the land are a direct result of the Dark Lord's predecessor and his ilk."
At publishing time, the Mouth of Sauron dismissed Trump's claims of being the Great MAGA King. She tossed a discarded buffalo hat onto the ground as a token signifying their failure. "Aha, I was bidden to show thee," she said. "I want you to know he suffered greatly, Donald."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
