U.S.—Millions are overjoyed today after MasterClass.com announced they will be replacing every single one of their instructors with Greta Thunberg. Beginning next week, knowledge-hungry learners around the world will be able to sit at the feet of Thunberg as she offers her wisdom on everything from screenwriting to astrophysics.
Whether you want expert instruction on neurosurgery, blacksmithing, or jet engine repair, world-renowned expert on all things Greta Thunberg will be there to lecture you.
"This will be a huge step up in quality for us," said David Rogier, CEO of the online learning site. "We thought about bringing her on to teach one class on global warming, but then we thought, 'Heck, let's just have her teach everything!' There is nobody more brilliant than Greta Thunberg. This is what the planet needs right now!"
Neil Gaiman, the bestselling author who currently teaches The Art of Storytelling MasterClass, reacted to the news that he would soon be replaced with a teenage climate activist from Sweden.
"I have written stories for the ages. With nothing more than a pen, paper, and 26 English letters, I can transport your mind to worlds beyond your imagination. I can tell stories that will stick to your soul and stay there for all time... but I am not, nor will I ever be Greta Thunberg. Only Greta can take my storytelling class to levels I never even dreamed of."
Other celebrities and world-renowned experts reacted with elation that Thunberg would be taking over their classes in ballet, international diplomacy, comedy, wine appreciation, and electronic dance music. "This is what the planet needs right now!" they all said in perfect monotone unison. "Thank you, Greta!"
MasterClass confirmed that all classes will just be variations of the same lecture where Greta scolds you for your use of plastic and fossil fuel. The Business Leadership MasterClass will just be a continuous loop of Greta yelling "How dare you!" at the screen.
"We have even more compelling content on the horizon," said Rogier. "For only $180 per year, you too can be as wise as Greta Thunberg!"