LANSING, MI — Local man Jim Calvert had resolved to be productive today, only to find himself an hour later heavily invested in a Wikipedia article about the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.
Calvert woke up early this morning and decided to have his most productive day yet at his work-from-home job as an account manager for a marketing company. However, despite his iron will, Calvert simply could not stop clicking link after link to discover every detail of the bizarre flood.
"Twenty-one people died!" Calvert said as he dove headlong into learning about the Great Molasses Flood that occurred in Boston on January 15, 1919. "I know I've got an important client call this afternoon that I need to prepare for, by holy cow… a 25-foot-high wave of molasses traveling at 35 miles per hour! It had the destructive force of a freight train barreling through the streets of Boston, annihilating all people and property in its path!"
Calvert tried on several occasions to get back to work, but he could not resist the siren song of Wikipedia. "Babe, just imagine the sheer force of pure molasses! It's crazy!" called Calvert to his wife in the other room. "Whoa! Did you know there's a little league baseball field at the site today?"
At publishing time, Calvert hoped to refocus for the afternoon but couldn't make any promises after stumbling onto the Wikipedia page about the Panamanian Watermelon Riot of 1856.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
