CONWAY, AR - When his bi-weekly sedan fill-up exceeded $120 for the 10th time, local man Matthew Standridge found himself wondering if the Jan 6 "insurrection" was really such a tragedy.
"I'm not, like, an existential threat to democracy or anything, but it does feel like this whole thing with Biden isn't going well," said Stanbridge with a pained look on his face as he prepared to swipe his debit card and wipe out his bank account. "Are we sure he didn't - I dunno - steal the election? Is it too late to overturn it? Is it racist to ask that?"
Sources add that Standridge tried to shake the troubling thoughts from his mind, getting back on the road for his 10-minute commute that drains his gas tank each week.
"I'm not some far-right-wing extremist. I pay my taxes, I believe all elections, and all women, and I hold most of the approved views…I just wonder if those protesters knew something I don't," Standridge told his wife. "At this point, I think it's time Jacob entered the workforce. I know he's only eight, but we need to put food on the table and I don't think Kamala will do it for us like she said she would."
At publishing time, Mr. Standridge was found inside a Spirit Halloween store purchasing a buffalo hat and red-white-and-blue face paint and was unavailable for comment.
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!