CHEVY CHASE, MD - Police arrested a tomahawk-wielding Cherokee Indian hiding in the bushes outside Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh's home this week. After hours of questioning, authorities discovered the would-be assassin was none other than Senator Elizabeth Warren.
"Me big angry at Kavanaugh for taking away right to choose," said Warren. "Paleface always break treaty to not overturn Roe v. Wade. Never keep word! I come here to take scalp so Roe stay." Warren then let out an ancient war cry passed down from her ancestors.
Experts believe Senator Warren may have been radicalized by her own rhetoric in recent months, as well as the rhetoric commonly found on every mainstream news channel, NPR, Twitter, The View, and all of Chuck Schumer's political speeches.
"By the Great Spirit, I will defeat Justice Kavanaugh in tomahawk battle and save women's right to kill baby for convenience!" said Warren as authorities took her away in handcuffs.
At publishing time, police also found Hillary Clinton in the bushes outside Kavanaugh's home attempting to call in a drone strike.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.