LOS ANGELES, CA — Michael Frampton recently found himself in quite a dilemma: according to friends and family, the 36-year-old is currently unsure if he likes baseball or is just a huge fan of advanced statistics.
While Michael has always been a sporty guy, according to his wife Nicole, he's also an incredibly nerdy spreadsheet user who can't go five minutes without reckoning the on-base percentages for his son's Little League team.
"It could really go either way," Nicole told Michael, who was putting together a list of points for and against his being a huge stats nerd in between his deadlift sets. "I mean, maybe you're just drawn to the beauty of the game...but maybe you're also a hopeless numbers fanatic. I really can't tell, honey."
Michael is reportedly able to calculate RBI and batting average for any player in the League with uncanny accuracy on a paper napkin but has also been obsessed with picking up round objects and hitting them long distances with sticks ever since he was three.
"Gosh, I really wish I could know," Michael sighed. "I just want to know whether I'm a normal baseball fan or a thick-glasses-wearing statistics nerd."
At publishing time, Michael had thought he knew for sure after realizing that he could also perfectly recall the names and home cities of the entire roster of the 2005 Yankees team, but then remembered that that was mostly because he also owned all of their baseball cards.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
