HOUSTON, TX — Greg Harrington, 32, decided it was finally time to take control of his adult life and learn some new information, sources confirmed Monday. "Maybe I'll figure out how to buy Bitcoin, or learn what Bitcoin even is," he muttered to himself while getting ready for his part-time evening job serving at Chili's. "It's a new year - time to gain some new skills and really better myself."
Sadly, Harrington's attempt was immediately thwarted as he discovered his brain's storage capacity was filled to its limit with quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Every time Harrington attempted to learn a new fact that would actually help him in life, his brain immediately rejected it, instead retaining useless quotes like "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" and "Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!" Despite hours and hours of intense study in self-help books and YouTube explainer videos, Harrington could retain not a single fact that would help him in his adult life, though he could still quote the Black Knight scene word-for-word.
"Oh well," he said sadly. "So be it. Come, Patsy!" He then rode off on an imaginary horse, with his friend Christopher banging two coconuts together behind him.
Experts say Harrington isn't alone in his plight, with millions of millennials only being able to quote Monty Python sketches, useless Star Wars Expanded Universe facts, or obscure bits of Lord of the Rings trivia rather than retain any useful information whatsoever. "It's a real problem faced by increasing numbers of young adults," said one leading researcher in Monty Python studies. "You might say it's only now we see the violence inherent in the system."
At publishing time, Harrington's girlfriend had asked him if he could explain cryptocurrency to her, but he could sadly only reply, "Ni! Ni!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
