WASHINGTON, D.C. — A local man charged with preventing a third world war was tragically foiled by a set of stairs this week, sources say.
The man, later identified as President Joe Biden, then angrily grabbed his shin and proceeded to threaten nuclear war, which experts confirm is the exact opposite of what he is supposed to do.
Onlookers rushed to aid the flailing old man — who was the last best hope for human civilization — but were dismayed when he fell again and then called everyone around him fat.
"Look, fat," said the leader of the free world. "You gotta' lift with your legs like I used to as a dock worker. Come on, man!"
By the time he had caught his bearings and was walking normally again, the President of the United States of America had reportedly forgotten all about the pamphlet containing instructions for averting WWIII that aides had placed in his pocket. He promptly withdrew the note, crumbled it up like it was a tissue, and blew his nose.
According to sources, the peace plan was a simple list of instructions for the world leader. It read as follows:
YOU take YOUR seat
YOU tell PUTIN: This is all a big misunderstanding.
YOU tell ZELENSKY: Stop threatening to park tanks in Moscow.
EVERYONE kiss and MAKE UP
At publishing time, the Department of Defense had issued guidance on "duck and cover" drills in the event of a nuclear attack.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: