BRYAN, TX — Local forty-year-old man Jim Nathanson is still trying to come to grips with the tragic reality that he never had the chance to be on the kids' game show Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?
"I knew every capital city on the planet! I could find Argentina blindfolded. I HAD IT, man!" explained Nathanson, still clearly processing his grief. "I could have been the best gumshoe detective in the history of gumshoes -- if I just had been given a chance!!"
According to family members, Nathanson had spent literally hundreds of hours as a child playing the original Carmen Sandiego computer game, rising to the ultimate rank of Super Sleuth. The pages of young Nathanson's World Almanac were worn thin as the seven-year-old steadfastly studied the flags of every country, becoming a veritable human encyclopedia of world geography. Though displays of his remarkable knowledge somehow did not win him acclaim with his peers in Mrs. Edwards' first-grade class, Nathanson was never deterred in his quest for gumshoe glory.
"Things could have been different for me, man," sighed Nathanson wistfully as he sipped on a glass of whiskey. "Every week, watching those moronic kids wander around Africa searching for Nigeria, it was so painful. I could have dominated! I could have met the band Rockapella! It's just still so hard to think about."
At publishing time, Nathanson again sighed heavily as he remembered he never got to play that game where kids threw a ball in the bucket on Bozo the Clown.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
