ROCK CASTLE, ME—During the customary meet and greet time at Grace Redeemer Lutheran Church this past Sunday, local man Bryan Edwards remained perfectly still in an attempt to avoid detection by other parishioners.
The man stood entirely frozen to the spot, without breathing, blinking, or moving a single muscle in his whole body for the entire eight minutes of greeting other churchgoers. Several church members attempted to shake his hand, but he held his ground, staring straight ahead and refusing to acknowledge their presence. They eventually lost interest and wandered away.
“Their eyesight is based on movement,” Edwards told reporters later. “All you have to do is stand petrified—like a statue, or a pillar of salt—for the full length of the greeting time, and you won’t have to shake one single hand or exchange even the smallest of pleasantries.” The regular church attender even occasionally dresses in colors that match the pews and wall color to blend in even further, a technique he picked up at a special private school he attended as a child.
Edwards’ plan doesn’t always work, however: a few weeks back, he was so still that the pastor ran straight into him, causing him to move. Dozens of parishioners made a beeline for him to see how his week was and ask how he was doing, forcing him to pepper spray the entire crowd before making his getaway.
“Churches are so preoccupied with whether or not they can implement a greeting time that they never stop to think if they should,” he said.