U.S. — A minimum of 35 pieces of tape is needed to successfully wrap a gift, husband scientists said Monday. The surprise announcement was made by representatives of the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) just in time for the holiday season.
"It is the consensus of husband scientists across the globe that at least 35 pieces of cellophane tape are needed for best results. Frankly, we feel like that's a little light," said Dr. Strophen Scotch, a husband, in the peer-reviewed paper which was held together with duct tape before being turned in to Scientific American.
"We witnessed successful gift wrapping with as many as 75 pieces of tape," he added, "but we theorize that up to 182 pieces of tape could easily be used to great effect."
Husbands who participated in the study agreed that a gift is not properly wrapped until it is physically unable to be opened without a pocket knife or multitool.
Woman scientists dispute the paper's claims, arguing that they can wrap gifts with as little as three pieces of tape without issue. "We have been unable to duplicate the results of the experiment by man scientists," says Dr. Jovie Duct.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
