SCOTTSBLUFF, NE - In a heartfelt moment of confession, local Christian man Ryan Beatty revealed his deepest, darkest secret to his accountability partner Friday morning: the fact that he listens to Christian music and unironically enjoys it.

"Oh man," his friend, Jim Cowles, replied. "That's heavy, bro. Is it serious? What kind of stuff are you into? I mean, we've all dabbled in a little Switchfoot or Needtobreathe from time to time."

But when Beatty revealed that he owns every Newsboys album and "bumps" the local Christian radio station affiliate nonstop, Cowles realized the problem was more serious.

"Man, you're in deep. Well, at least you haven't gotten into the hard stuff like tobyMac." At that, Beatty's eyes welled up with tears. "Oh man, are you serious? You need to get help."

Cowles quickly took his afflicted friend to a nearby CCM rehab center, where he was subjected to a full complement of treatments, including tried-and-true doses of Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden, as well as a cutting-edge experimental injection of Twenty One Pilots.