THOUSAND OAKS, CA — This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway. According to eyewitnesses, Swiss displayed unusual patience as he peeked through his blinds and waited for Steve to go back inside so Swiss could get into his car without enduring small talk.
"Who me? No, I'm not avoiding small talk. I'm just, um... checking the weather before I go outside," said Swiss defensively after being confronted as to why he had been peering out the blinds for a full 7 minutes. "Gotta make sure I'm, ya know, dressed for the weather and stuff. Is Steve gone yet?"
Sources say Swiss has perfected his daily rhythms so he can get where he's going without small talk. When he goes to the store he wears AirPods, barks orders at the cashier "because it tends to shorten the interactions," and triangulates the location of any acquaintances he sees so he can zig-zag through the aisles to avoid them.
Several other sources defended Swiss, however, confirming rumors that his neighbor Steve is "insufferable" and will often hold people up for several minutes and then follow them as they start to back away.
At publishing time, Swiss had waited 15 minutes before quietly heading out to his car. Tragically, he ran into Cindy from across the street and was ensnared in several minutes of inane conversation.
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