WASHINGTON, DC — In a controversial announcement, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled plans to replace Abraham Lincoln's portrait on the five-dollar bill with one of Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
"We know that many people hold President Lincoln in high regard, but the way we see it, Liz Cheney is so similar to Lincoln that there really isn't any noticeable difference," said Bureau spokesperson Alex Gingles. "Plus, she's a woman, so we're being, like, inclusive and stuff."
The announcement was met with praise from the mainstream media, but not everyone was pleased to hear about the change. "They're replacing one of the greatest leaders this country has ever had with the lady who can't even win her primary election as an incumbent? Sad!" said former President Donald Trump in a memo released on his Truth Social account. "It would be much more appropriate to put my face on our currency, but not five dollars. My face should be on the jillion-dollar bill."
Though commentators cite similarities Cheney shares with Lincoln (such as both of them bringing the nation closer to civil war and being hated by half of the population), it remains to be seen how the general public will receive the change.
At publishing time, officials were still moving forward with their decision but admitted that it was likely that by the time production began on the new Liz Cheney five-dollar bills, they would only be worth about three dollars each due to inflation.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
