TUPELO, MS — For the 157th day in a row, family man Darren Cooper has resisted the siren call of an update for his iPhone that "provides important bug fixes and security updates."
"Not today, Apple," he said with a smirk after seeing that his phone was once again reminding him to install iOS version 16.3.1. "You won't get me that easy!"
What a CHAD!
According to sources, Cooper's phone has only been updated once since he purchased it almost half a year ago. His family says he is adamant about avoiding updates for his iPhone SE (3rd Generation) because "that's how they get you."
"The battery life on my phone is like nothing you've ever seen thanks to my steadfast resolve," Cooper routinely tells his friends and family. "Don't you get it? Each update slows down your phone and makes you want to buy a new one!"
"You're playing into their hands!"
Cooper's wife and kids confirm their phones seem slower and won't last a single day on a charge anymore, but kind of want an excuse to get new phones anyway.
"Not on my watch!" Cooper yelled defiantly at the heavens. "I'll teach you how to roll your phones back to iOS 10! Then you can still access 32-bit apps from the App Store!"
"You'll never need a new phone again," he added, eyes wild with unbridled power.
At publishing time, Darren Cooper's phone somehow still performed better than the new 14 Pro models his wife and kid bought at the store.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
