CENTRE, AL—Reports flooding out of the Bible Belt indicate local man of God Jonathan Flynn has perfected the side hug.
“I think I finally have it down,” the 34-year-old deacon told reporters Friday. “I’ve been a side-hugging brother for years, but I feel I often made things awkward.”
According to Flynn, The Lord’s preferred embrace can be ministered with seven easy steps:
- Identify the sister you feel led to hug.
- Pray to ensure your heart is in the right place.
- Relax. The side hug was made for man, not man for the side hug.
- Walk (don’t run) toward her with a smiling “Happy Lord’s Day” or whatever suits the occasion.
- Gradually pivot your torso 60–90° as you extend one arm.
- Clutch her far shoulder, gently pull in, and release after a full one-Mississippi.
- Walk away and don’t be creepy.
Witnesses Sunday reported audible relief among the sisterhood at Draper Road Baptist. “We love sweet Jonathan,” one lady said, “but his rhythm was never right. Once he accidentally hit me in the throat.”
Flynn is confident that Scripture is on his side. “Luther wrestled with Romans 1:17, and I’m happy for him. But I’ve always wrestled with Ecclesiastes 3:5: ‘There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.’ After subjecting that text to a little exegesis, I realized it says nothing about the half-embrace. Biblically, there is always a time to half-embrace.”
Now Sunday can’t come soon enough for Flynn. “I’m just eager to bless my sisters with the side-squeeze of piety. I’ve mastered the one hug every Christian knows bears heaven’s stamp of approval. What a calling.”