DALLAS, TX—In an effort to ensure consistency and transparency across its various events and programs, a spokesperson for The Potter’s House Church in Dallas has confirmed that Bishop T.D. Jakes will be held to a two-heresy minimum each time he preaches.
The announcement comes as a relief to the congregation, which was often kept in the dark as to when Jakes would be launching into a passionate oratory that would wander across the bounds of orthodoxy and end up firmly in heretical territory. “Stability is really important to me and my family,” longtime church member Marvin Jones told reporters. “Jakes is our head visionary, and I support him 100%, but I’m glad he’s finally being held accountable. Now we know for certain that whenever we come to church, we’ll definitely be confronted with blasphemous or heretical teaching.”
Jakes’s most recent message, which contained only one grievous heresy, spurred the church’s leadership team into making the change. Josh Robinson, the church’s Prophet of Operations & Expansion, told press in a statement, “That was really the tipping point. Bishop Jakes is a real man of God, obviously, but even he needs to be held to some kind of standard now and then. Going forward, Bishop Jakes will be under close watch to ensure he meets the biblical standards for an overseer and also sincerely delivers at least two separate egregiously-unbiblical proclamations each week.”
Jakes himself was not available for comment, according to his butler.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.