LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local man Dennis Walters finally realized that the reason people play hockey is because it allows them to legally punch a Canadian directly in the face.
Puzzled for years as to why people would skate around in freezing temperatures with little sticks, Walters found the answer last night as he watched members of the U.S. hockey team repeatedly punch Canadians in the face.
"It all makes sense now," said Walters. "I just never got the appeal before. I had no idea throwing on a hockey jersey meant you could legally beat up a Canadian. I mean, that dude just launched a Canadian's face into plexiglass at thirty miles per hour, and apparently that's totally acceptable. Freaking awesome."
According to sources, American interest in hockey exploded overnight after people realized they could whack Canadians with sticks. "Wow, sign me up," said local man Bob Denton. "Punching Canadians is totally my thing. I don't know about this whole skating business, but I would love to slug a guy from Quebec in the mouth."
At publishing time, millions across the globe had suddenly become hockey players in hopes of getting in on the Canadian punching.
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