NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Local man Harold Dermott initially struggled to access his Gmail on Friday, but after correctly guessing his password on his third try, now considers himself a bona fide hacker.
Accomplishing the near-impossible task of determining the password that he himself had set several years ago cemented his status as a world-class computer hacker on par with any cybersecurity expert.
"Yes, I'm in!" Dermott reportedly said in a quiet, excited whisper. Now he was in control. "I can see everything."
Dermott promptly updated his LinkedIn profile, listing "Guessed my Gmail password on the third try" as a career achievement. He also commissioned a set of new business cards, changing his job title from Marketing Specialist to L337 Computer Hacker.
"I didn't even have to do the thing where you click 'Forgot Password?' because I'm so elite," Dermott said as he recounted the event for his colleagues. "I don't even see the code anymore. It's all just letters and numbers now. Which, I guess, is what code looks like, but... never mind."
Dermott's rise in the hacking world has allegedly come at a price. His colleagues won't even acknowledge his "leet skillz", forcing him to remind himself that they're just jealous about being unable to guess their own passwords. However, sources indicated the real reason his relationships are suffering is because he now calls everyone "universally stupid" or a "total amateur" whenever they ask for technical help.
At publishing time, Dermott was unable to watch his new favorite film, 1995's Hackers, after he forgot his Netflix password and got locked out of his account.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
