AUSTIN, TX — A local man found himself facing charges of blasphemy after he was caught walking on the city's hallowed rainbow crosswalk without removing his sandals in reverence.
"Everyone knows that our local Rainbow Walk is holy ground," said City Councilperson Vlim Shmelvo. "When cis-males deign to tread upon our sanctified spaces with shodden feet, it makes our community feel unsafe!"
The man, Paul Bradford, had attempted to plead ignorance when he was confronted by a large group of angry pro-LGBTQ activists. "I honestly didn't even realize I did it," he had said as he was being backed up against a wall. "I don't understand! It's just a crosswalk! Aren't we supposed to walk on it?"
The angry mob then gasped audibly before seizing him and taking him to the local authorities. "JUST A CROSSWALK?! JUST A CROSSWALK?!" members of the crowd were heard screaming.
Bradford was unaware of the city's new law that makes it illegal for straight people to use rainbow crosswalks without removing their shoes and vocally apologizing as they walk across. "When you use the rainbow crosswalk, you must remove your shoes, for where you are standing is holy ground," said Enrique Marquez, minister at the Center for LGBTQ Faith. "Failure to show the proper reverence to the rainbow crosswalk is blasphemy, and the guilty person shall be cut off from among their people."
LGBTQ activist organizations were reportedly asking for the death penalty to be considered as punishment for Bradford's crime.
At publishing time, Bradford agreed to a deal that would allow him to avoid execution by spending the rest of his life crawling on his hands and knees when using rainbow crosswalks.
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