KINGDOM OF GOD—Personal representatives of the Savior of the World reported Thursday He’ll no longer be standing at the door of men’s hearts and knocking, and instead will simply be using the new Amazon Key service to let Himself in at His leisure.
Heavenly representatives stated that the new technological combination of an Amazon Cloud Cam and a compatible smart lock are “perfect” for letting the Savior into your heart automatically.
“Before, Jesus had to stand there and knock for years,” one angel told reporters. “He would have to start softly, tenderly calling over and over again, and even waiting and watching at the windows. It was a real pain.”
The innovative new system’s camera will recognize Jesus standing on the porch and automatically open the door to your hardened, unregenerate heart and let Him start wrecking shop in there before you even know He’s gotten in.
“Amazon Key is ideal for His eternal purposes of sovereignly taking up His rightful throne in the hearts of men and women all over the world,” the angel added.