PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to Patricia Lyles, a local woman who hates the concept of religion and thinks you are foolish to believe there is a God out there somewhere, she is still checking her horoscope to see how the stars will direct her path every day.
"I just think it's silly to think there's some divine plan from a God somewhere," she said as she took a BuzzFeed quiz to see what kind of Scorpio she was, based on her choice of smoothie at Jamba Juice. "We are free creatures, and there is no sovereign God with any kind of plan for my life."
Having been freed from the shackles of God and religion, Lyles is now able to spend more time consulting star charts, tarot decks, crystal balls, and palm readings to determine the course of action for her life, down to the last minute detail.
"I can't believe people still believe in God in the current year," she said, chuckling.
"Also, celestial bodies can help me determine what kind of toilet paper to buy. Looks like the constellations are telling me it's single-ply for Scorpios this month."
She also makes sure to check her daily Enneagram thought.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.