CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—According to the frightened family members of Luke Manning, 34, the local father of three invented 47 entirely new cuss words while putting Christmas lights up on his family’s home Wednesday evening.
“For all the love of funfetti … Oh my jumpin’ Jerry Falwell Jr … FARCICAL FLIPPER!” Manning reportedly yelled as another of the cheap clips he was using to secure a strand of lights to the front of his home snapped off. “What the Freddy Kreuger is wrong with these?”
“I swear to Bob this is the last snocksin year I do this!” he reportedly screamed.
Manning’s cursing even took on biblical overtones, with the Manning family patriarch invoking curses such as “by the beard of Samson” and “by Delilah’s wiles” as he swore to get revenge on whatever “no-good son of Beelzebub” invented Christmas lights in the first place.
At one point, when the cheap plastic stakes holding the family’s inflatable Santa to the ground tore out of the dirt a fifth time, Manning launched into a terrifying tirade against the large, cartoon Christmas icon, calling him a “worthless spawn of a demon goat,” a “bloated hamster man” and a “giant candy cane-eating oaf,” according to his neighbors.
At publishing time, Manning had been asked to set up the family Christmas tree.