SAN DIEGO, CA — The San Diego Padres organization is reportedly concerned about local sports fan Lonny Philbin for being more invested in the success of the team than even the actual players.
According to sources, Philbin's bodily well-being depends on what happens during every single at-bat of the San Diego Padres. At every moment, total elation and bottomless depression are on the table.
"We appreciate our fans, but I think Mr. Philbin needs to chill out," commented Team Manager Craig Stammen. "He's letting our outcomes on the field determine his whole emotional state. It's just a game, man."
Third basemen Manny Machado echoed his manager's sentiments. "Of course we want to win, but we recognize sport's proper place in our hearts. I'm worried Philbin isn't doing that," said Machado. "I hope he can get his priorities in order. We're only baseball players, after all."
At publishing time, Philbin had decided perhaps he had a problem after being arrested for breaking into Xander Bogaerts' home while he was asleep to whisper in his ear "you can do this!"
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
