ARVADA, CO — New dad Ben Olsen proudly completed changing his baby's diaper this morning with only 427 wipes, down from his previous record of 856 wipes.
"Totally crushed it," said Mr. Olsen, showing off his work to Mrs. Olsen. "I'm really getting the hang of this!"
After detecting evidence of a diaper situation, Olsen reportedly took a deep breath, picked up the newborn, and began the extensive cleaning process. Mr. Olsen's wife Jennifer offered to help, but was rebuffed by her husband. "I'm a mechanical engineer, I can do this!" exclaimed Mr. Olsen. "Plus, I have to be able to change my own kid's diaper. Just give me an hour or two, and I'll have him good to go. Oh, and um - can you bring me another pack of wipes?"
Though appreciative of her husband's help, Mrs. Olsen reported that the family was quickly going bankrupt. "I literally can't buy them fast enough," said Mrs. Olsen. "By the time Ben is halfway through the diaper change, our little one usually poops again, starting the whole process over. I didn't see either of them for four hours yesterday evening. That was probably a $400 diaper change."
As of press time, Mr. Olsen had begun gearing up another change, hoping to bring his wipe to diaper ratio down to a more sustainable 364 to 1.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
