WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Libertarian Party has concluded its convention and nominated its latest presidential candidate: a 20-foot-tall, rainbow-colored, glass bong.
The gay, oversized marijuana smoking device edged out candidates RFK Jr., Donald Trump, and Sparklepaws the Transgender Furry to secure the coveted nomination to run for President this November.
"Never has the Libertarian Party chosen a candidate that better represents its values, ambitions, and intellect," said Party Chair Angela McArdle while tripping on the complimentary edibles that were passed out at the convention. "I think it's even possible our beautiful glass candidate could secure up to .03% of the vote this year!"
McArdle's proclamation was met with a chorus of boos from people in the crowd who thought .03% was a little too much, making the glass bong too mainstream for their liking.
The large rainbow-striped, cannabis water pipe is running on a platform of ending the Fed, lowering taxes, and aborting kids, transing kids, giving drugs to kids, and letting unaccompanied kids cross the southern border.
At publishing time, The Libertarian Party had sought to withdraw the nomination after it was revealed their new candidate wasn't interested in eliminating age of consent laws.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
