SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A growing number of left-leaning voices are concerned about a dangerous increase in free speech if Elon Musk buys Twitter. Early reports confirm that this is because they would have to debate their opponents, instead of just banning them.
"Any statement that I don't like is literally incitement, promoting violence, and an existential threat to worldwide democracy" tweeted one user named Resist_The_System90210. "I never had to debate a real person, as Twitter just buries them in the 'additional replies, including those that may contain offensive content' to protect me!"
Don Lemon called out the widespread misunderstanding about so-called "free speech" on his "Don Lemon Tonight" segment: "There are obviously limits to free speech. You can't yell 'fire' in a theater, or claim that you can still catch and spread COVID even if you have the vaccine, or talk about the laptop proving that Joe Biden's son leveraged his Dad's position to make a fortune for the family - free speech is more like speech that I already agree with and won't hurt prevailing liberal narratives."
One commenter disagreed, however, on the grounds that Twitter was already an unbiased bastion of free speech principles. "If Elon takes over Twitter, he'll let literal Nazis like Donald Trump and Gina Carano say whatever they want! I won't be safe!"
At time of publishing, left-wing Twitter users were relieved to find that Elon was outbid by a CCP-connected Chinese oligarch.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.