MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA - With the price of everyday goods skyrocketing due to inflation, wealthy politicians across the nation are puzzled, wondering why poor people need gallons of both gas and milk.
Expressing the deep, nuanced thinking common among politicians, Nancy Pelosi queried, "Why do these poor people need gas and milk by the gallon? They don't even come in gallons, for goodness sake. Gas is always in my car when my driver Roderick pulls it out of the seven-car garage, and milk is always available in crystal goblets when I open one of my magic refrigerators."
Brilliant liberal thinker Chuck Schumer reminded Pelosi that not all poor people have magic refrigerators, and that a few may be so destitute as to not have drivers named Roderick. Ever the man of the people, the senator was not without helpful solutions.
"If you can't buy a gallon of gas for your car," he proposed, "just call an Uber, problem solved. If you can't afford a gallon of milk, just buy it by the quart, problem solved."
CNN later reported that the liberal lawmakers are geniuses and poor people are stupid.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
