TEMPE, AZ — Local white liberal Jennifer Armstrong is holding out hope that a black person will actually show up to her Kwanzaa party this year.
"I've been so good all year," said Armstrong. "All I want for Kwanzaa is a black to show up. Please, African Kwanzaa gods? Please bring me a black for Kwanzaa?"
Armstrong has reportedly hosted a Kwanzaa celebration each December since 2017, but has yet to land a black at her party. "I'm gonna get one, I just know I will," said Armstrong, throwing on her kente cloth. "I sent invitations to every black I know. I posted signs at some barber shops where I see them hanging out. I even got a thirty-second spot on a local hip-hop radio station. This is my year."
With no black people to guide her, Armstrong's previous Kwanzaa parties have consisted of about seven white liberal women lighting candles, reading passages from Maya Angelou, and eating sweet potato pie. "It's like pumpkin pie, but for blacks," explained Armstrong. "It makes me feel so much solidarity with black people. I wish one of them were here for me to tell them."
At publishing time, Armstrong had excitedly raced to the door thinking a black had arrived for her party, only to discover he was just the Amazon delivery guy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
