CHICAGO, IL — A local progressive couple sought to solve their teenage child's outburst of rebellion against their authority by grounding the teen from using any cool new pronouns for a full month.
"That's it! You're officially back to being She/Her for the next month!" father Phil Brooks said sternly. "If you want to enjoy the privileges of choosing your own pronouns, you'll have to respect the rules of this house! No more of this ‘Xe/Xer' or 'Hi/Hir' or 'Ximmity/Xe' stuff for the next 30 days, do I make myself clear?"
The couple's child, Starburst, a teenager who identifies as neither a boy nor a girl nor a human, did not receive the news of the punishment well. "That's so unfair!" Starburst shouted. "All of my friends get to use their preferred pronouns as much as they want! My friend Rhiannon — Fi/Fim — never gets his pronouns taken away! This is so messed up! I need to go find a safe space!"
Starburst's other parent, April, reportedly attempted to diffuse the situation while remaining firm on the punishment. "Listen now, young person, we are your parents — he is your father, and I'm your birthing person who bleeds — you need to do as we say. You'll be welcome to go back to your new pronouns as soon as you face the consequences of your actions."
At publishing time, Starburst had made a TikTok video that went viral, weeping about the punishment and vowing to return to using Xe/Xer pronouns the very moment the calendar turned to the following month.
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