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'Let Them Fight,' Trump Says Solemnly From Backstage At Dem Debate

LAS VEGAS, NV—As the 1,207 remaining presidential candidates on the Democratic debate stage Wednesday night proceeded to tear each other to shreds over policy and whether a millionaire or a billionaire should run the nation, Trump stood backstage watching stoically.

"Should we intervene?" Mike Pence asked nervously, clearly spooked by Pete Buttigieg. "I'll have your personal security force take them all out. Just say the word, sir. Or I can release the hounds if you prefer."

But Trump simply shook his head. "Let them fight," he said solemnly. "Let them destroy one another. I enjoy watching them bicker amongst themselves, tearing each other limb from limb like hyenas. No, we will simply let them fight one another. Then, when there is nothing left but ashes, I will swoop in and claim what is mine."

Once all the candidates had killed one another, Trump stepped on stage and pointed to a chart of the economy and was immediately declared the winner of the debate.

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