BILLUND, DENMARK—LEGO has just introduced new and improved interlocking plastic bricks that will instantly kill you when you step on them, sources at the company’s headquarters confirmed Thursday.
The sharper edges in the new design will just immediately put you out of your misery, so you don’t have to roll around on the ground in excruciating pain for minutes on end. Utilizing advanced laser-driven techniques, LEGO factories can now hone the edges of the famously sharp and painful bricks to such a fine point that the human nervous system instantly shuts down upon coming into contact with them.
“Our engineers have been hard at work trying to come up with ways to make an even deadlier brick, and they’ve finally made a breakthrough,” LEGO head of design Arnbjørn Frandsen said in a press conference. According to Frandsen, internal company tests have shown the new bricks have a 99.7% success rate at ending the life of the unfortunate person to inadvertently step on even just a single LEGO. “This is the most promising advancement we’ve made in our brick design since we first introduced the bricks that make it feel like your foot is being stabbed by a hundred sharpened katanas many decades ago.”